Caution: Life In Progress

Living Life Outloud

2009-10-11T19:36:00.002-04:00

When I was in a relationship w/ BF #2, he said to me, "If you weren't a Catholic, you'd make a good pagan because you are so earthy."

Now, I don't know what he really meant, and I'm sure I brushed it off at the time, but for some reason, my mind has been chewing on that statement for the past few days.

I am a Catholic, I make no bones about that. Not always the best example of the devout-straight-and-narrow-life, but a Catholic who knows when she's in the sin side of life, she would stay away from the Communion Rail until she got to Confession. Being a Catholic is not easy; when you know the difference between right and wrong and you chose the wrong, the guilt will hound you until you make things right. (See A Pocketful of Rye, by A.J. Cronin for one of the most masterful re-telling of The Hound of Heaven.

So what is it that made ex-BF to christen me "pagan." Is it because I find such awesome beauty in nature? Is it because a rainbow or a sunset can be so beautiful that it has caused me to cry? Was it because I could be sensual and alluring all the while I was fully clothed in college 'dress/modesty code' attire? Is it because the smell of simmering foods can totally intoxicate me? Is it because I can be as crude as a sailor in my language, but polished enough to address an author, a corporate executive, a millionaire, and two presidential candidates?

What the hell?????

As a Catholic that doesn't mean that life is supposed to dull, ordinary, or drab! For the love of, well, GOD, we are flesh and bone, not just spirit.

So what that I don't conform to the modern world, that I would rather stomp around in the rain in colorful, nonsensical boots; that I would rather make a ginormous mess cooking with my son for a set of friends than to have a pristine kitchen that never has heard the sound of child's laughter; that I would rather have my child serve the poorest of the poor by standing along side, not just pitching money in the collection basket at church; that I would rather call a spade a spade and not have to pretend to like something I do not.

I am me.

I am Catholic. I am a mother. I am emotive. I am passionate. I am headstrong, determine, strengthened, an absolute conundrum and contradiction, yet simple enough to understand. I will play dress up and dine with the best. I will roll up my jeans and gnaw on a plate of smoked ribs. I will laugh and cry, sometimes all at once.

I will be me. For one time I won't cave when I am demanded to stifle myself.

And I reminding myself of this every day, because I can get friggin' lonely and tired sometimes.

Sarcasm bites me in the butt

2009-09-08T05:30:00.002-04:00

Here's the conversation I had with the Kid at bedtime last night.

"Son, don't pick your nose."

"Momma, I not picking my nose, I digging for gold."

Rain, rain come today.....

2009-08-27T06:02:00.002-04:00

I really hope it rains all day. I don't want people coming into the office today. After three straight days at the front window without any help from my mentor and receiving incorrect information from three different supervisors I have really lost my patience. I am floundering and really need a life preserver right now. God, please send some rain.

Moving Forward

2009-08-25T05:41:00.002-04:00

I spoke with my son's biological father last night as I traveled to class. I think many good things came of that. I know he has a great many problems, and as a Catholic still wrestles with guilt and feelings of failure. Maybe he will be able to find some peace in his life.

For all the hurt that I went through when he left me and the unborn Kid, I have grown that much stronger. I don't wish any malice on him, as I once did. I wish for peace and growth in his life.

I have no hope or desire to ever be in a relationship with him. But I do acknowledge that he is my Kid's biological father and that some day he may want to have a relationship. If that day comes, though it will scare me, if it is part of God's plan for his life, than I want to be generous of heart and open to that, not bitter and angry, still carrying around the hurts from my past.

I'm almost getting there with my ex-fiancee. I still have my moments of extreme sadness for the loss of our dreams, the love that I have/had for him, the anger at the accusations, and the hurt of abandonment my Kid and I felt.

I want to keep moving forward. I want him to find peace in his life. I can't wish any malice on him, for that would deny my ability to grow in my relationship with God. In fact, it would be a direct barricade to my salvation.

I think the think that still hurts me the most is realizing that someone who wanted to spend his life with me, who said he thought of me night and day, and couldn't wait for us to be together could so quickly walk away and not look back.
He said once when we first began our relationship that he knew he had a good thing, that if he walked away from it he would kick himself for the rest of his life, and that I would be hard to forget.

But in the stormy days after he left, I felt totally forgotten. The idea of being forgotten is such a dark abyss. Not that my feelings of abandonment and loss could ever reach the depth and magnitute of Christ on the cross, even He cried out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken Me?"

I think, no, I know that there was a large part of me that wanted him to call and apologize and ask for a reconciliation. And I wanted to be the one to say no this time. But I realize that had he called me in the days and months after we parted, I would have gone back to our stormy relationship. A relationship where neither of us grew and we only hurt each other.

I'm sorry that I hurt him and I'm sorry that I was not a better person, a better Catholic that helped his spiritual life, rather than hindered it.

I still think about him daily and whisper a prayer towards the Heavens. Maybe he's deliberately forgotten about me and pushed any thoughts of me and the Kid from his mind. Maybe ignoring the past is the only way he can move forward. I don't know, though I wish I did know if he still thought of me and missed me.

But that's my pride. And that's something that I have to continue to work on.

Caterpillars and Butterflies

2009-08-24T05:48:00.003-04:00

Gah! I am really nervous today. Classes start tonight. I hope I have it in me to pull this off. If I can stay on top of the workload I should be fine. That means no jagging around in the evenings. The Kid needs to get to bed ON TIME. He has been getting to bed WAY to late. I'm going to have to make it a rule that if dinner isn't ready by 6, then I'll have to fix something up for him and get him moving.

Still mulling over some stuff that my talky-talky Doc said to me the other day. Seems that according to him, I've made great progress. He told me which he has never said to a client before that he would stake his professional career on this, but that I was ready to be in a relationship, should I chose. Weird. And I was afraid that I was still lagging behind. I guess that it's better I have someone to trust to psychoanalyze me instead of my own warped thought process.

Momma, are you happy?

2009-08-23T09:29:00.001-04:00

The Kid, the light of my life, is such a clever little smart ass. And I have nobody to blame but myself. :)

The other day, in the midst of being corrected for his ill behavior, he cocked his head to the side, pouted out his lower lip and said, "Momma, are you happy?"

It was all I could do from bust out laughing at his comical face.

Retraining my line of thinking

2009-08-19T06:02:00.002-04:00

I'm struggling right now with an assignment that my talky-talky Doctor has given me. I have to, get this, stop saying negative things about myself and allow myself to accept compliment on my appearance.

I have a very difficult time accepting compliments, especially about my appearance. It's not from a sense of vanity or an inflated ego. My problems lie back with my experiences as a teen. It's kinda a horrible circle of thinking that I am having trouble breaking free of. It goes like this:
If person X hadn't thought I was attractive, then he wouldn't have bothered with me and never assaulted me, thereby leading me to several years of heavy drinking, suicidal thinking, self-mutilation, and a string of dysfunctional relationships. But if person X had left me alone and I HADN'T gone through all that, then I never would have hooked up with the biological father of the Kid and therefore wouldn't have him in my life. And the Kid is the light of my life and the greatest gift from God.

So what am I supposed to do...thank the ass-wad for helping me hate myself, hurt myself?

I cringe when people compliment my looks because I instinctively fear that the only thing they see in me is my outer appearance and not my inner life. Most times I deliberately dress unattractively.

My Doctor is encouraging me to pray that I can learn to see myself as the beautiful creature that God made me, and allow myself to gracefully accept the compliments given to me. I have to learn not to shy away from my looks, but to embrace what God has given to me.

This isn't easy.

Where I've been

2009-08-17T06:18:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry that I have been such a lousy communicant, but as the lame-o excuse that everyone uses is that I've been busy. Actually, that is a major understatement.

I'm working for an unnamed branch of the govt. (Yea, Working in this particular sector goes against everything I learned at good old college). I have to stop myself at least five times a day from cracking jokes about the system.

After three months of training classes, I've meet some really interesting people so far now that I am out among the public! ( Please note the sarcasm). I've heard stories from women whose Baby Daddy walked out, just released prisoners, drugged out losers, crippled retirees,.....and the list goes on. (My heart goes out to some of these individuals, but for heaven's sake, I don't think a single one of them has ever heard of daily baths!)

I am starting school next Monday. I've decided to get my paralegal certification. (This decision was made last year when I was unceremoniously dropped on my ass 4 days prior to my wedding. It's just taken me a year to get all my finances/papers in order).

My long term goal is to get my certification, go through a computer forensic program, and then work in conjunction with the FBI on their child pornography/human trafficking task force. I want to see as many as those F'ers punished, but I realize that if I were a field agent and had a gun I'd be judge, jury, and executioner upon discovering them. Yea, don't want to go around shooting everyone. God might have a problem with that. ;) So, I'll hunt them from the safety of a computer.

My kid is growing up way too fast. I can't believe that he will be 4 in November! He's clever, charming, and manipulative when he gets in trouble, unfortunately a trait that he picked up from his mother. The kid is bright and understands every word when you try to spell in front of him. And he is the light of my life. I can't imagine my world without him.

He's the reason why I am going back to school. I want to be able to provide a safe and secure existence. Lord knows, I don't need to wait around looking for Mr. Right to come and save me on his white horse. ;) Not only would my earning potential quadruple, I would be working to save some children caught up in a life of hell.

Here's to my latest adventure and a more timely writing schedule.

A night blooming moon flower

2009-06-14T17:30:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a year. I still wonder how he's doing. But I am thriving. As is my son. We'll be okay.

It's been 10 months

2009-04-17T06:22:00.002-04:00

Last night as I was trying to help my younger brother purchase a bus ticket my ears picked up the sounds of a Dishwalla song my ex and I use to listen to. And for the first time since the breakup I didn't rush to turn off the music. I sat and sang along and reminisced. And I didn't feel angry or sad. I felt a little blank. I think that I am finally understanding that as much as I was hurt/angry/scared/confused about the demise of our relationship, I am more at peace than I have been. (I know these feelings are subject to change, but this is my clarity for the moment).

I understand that we weren't good for each other. We couldn't aid each other in becoming the best person that God asks us to be. We failed each other in so many ways. Maybe our parting is the only way we will get to Heaven.

So as the anniversary of my not-wedding approaches I am planning a party. In June I am going to have a big bash with my family and friends in celebration of the love and support they have given me this past year, a time to recognize that I have stood at the gates of Mordor and I have returned bruised, but wiser and stronger.

I have so much ahead of me and my new journey has just begun.

MY dating rules for MYself, when/if I decide to date again.

2009-03-26T06:21:00.000-04:00

Business Card of Dating Rules:

1. What you see is what you get. Sometimes I want to play dress up and get pretty-fied and some days I could give a rat’s patootie about my hair and the fact that I am wearing an ugly skirt. If you don’t like my bizarre socks or dislike my clothing choices, and you tell me about that, well bully for you. But I ain’t gonna change. Love me, love the ridiculous clothes I wear.

2. I love my baby. I am not going to put him in jeopardy or out in the cold. If you want to see me, talk to me, be with me, it will be only after my child’s needs are taken care of. If I have been at work all day, I will not be on the phone with you or see you until I have spent plenty of quality time with my child and he is in bed for the evening.

3. Then and only then, after my child is in bed, can you have some of my time. At max, 30 mins if I have a boatload of things to do: ie. homework, writing, cleaning, sleep! If miracles of miracles I am free of any obligations, and I don’t have any TV shows that I want to watch so I can unwind for a bit, (despite the fact that you may not like the show), then you may have a bit more of my time.

4. DO NOT talk smack or insult my siblings. I may be having problems with them, but that's my problem. Don't tell me what you don't like about them when I am in venting mode.

5. Get over the fact that I am going to have a lot on my plate and you won’t be the main course for a long time! I have plans for schooling and a goal of helping to protect children from pervs. If you want to join me on my journey, YEA!, but if you expect me to change course mid-stream, like I have foolishly done several times before, FORGET IT! Ain’t gonna happen again!

6. I will teach my child at home. I’ve been in private schools and have taught in the public sector and have discovered that both are CRAP (at least in this area of the country)! My kid will get more love, attention to detail, and will work at his own pace to understand new concepts. We will take trips to the museum for art class. We will go for a walk in the woods for a biology lessons. We will walk battlegrounds for history. I WILL BE involved in my child’s education.

7. I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU. This is an upfront rule. No booty from me EVER again! I’m not risking STDs, AIDS, or pregnancy EVER again! I have screwed-up before, I willingly admit, and I am not free of blame, but from this day forward, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR THAT KIND OF ATTENTION.If you are horny, go jerk off in the privacy of your bedroom, find a cheap hook-up, or get a hooker, but don’t expect me to see you again. If you keep trying to pressure me and get all grabby with me, I will shut you down. I have needs too, but my BRAINS AND SOUL, tell me that seeing how past choices got me NOWWHERE but pain and suffering, I’ll not be doing that again. Try to put your hands on my boobs or down my pants, and I’ll knee you in the crotch.

To be continued…..

Is it over yet?

2009-03-18T06:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday someone at work grabbed my ass. As I was standing next to worthless guard number 1. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP!

I wish I could find officer McDonut ass and smack him now....'hmmmm, are they touching you? Until you are touched, there is no credible threat.' Well, buddy what's next? Are we waiting for the little villains to have me on my knees? They've already drawn that picture.

I f'n HATE this job. All altruism went out the window over two months ago.

And I got the typical response from the administration. "You need to learn to interact differently with the boys." WTF? So does that mean wear Kevlar and maintain a 15 ft. bubble? Cuz I figured that standing next to a guard (who is SUPPOSED to do his f'n JOB) might give me some sort of security.

This is harassment in the workplace. Yea, it still goes on to this day. I wish Tank and Sarge were able to work already. I don't want to go to work today.

It's fun to stay at the YMCA

2009-03-16T21:59:00.002-04:00

Out of knee rehab and into the Y. I joined up today. I am very pleased with the facilities and hope to get in there at least three times a week.

And I really need to get in there, especially because the little villains at work were whispering about why I was so 'bitchy' today. One kid volunteered that my stomach looked fat and I am probably pregnant.

Geez..........First immaculate conception in 2000 years.....Maybe the papers will be looking to interview me....

Rule No. 1 - Trust None of These Kids

2009-03-15T14:57:00.003-04:00

After a week of internal investigation, it turns out that the kid who reacted so strongly about the picture drawn of me is the perpetrator. He was the first to speak up, act shocked, promised to exact vengeance, and be overly concerned for my well-being. All along this little villain was looking to get a rise out of me. I have shown kindness and given extra help to him in Math, but yet he is so socially maladjusted that he strikes out to hurt everyone and anyone, regardless of their intentions.

I realized that, as Queen Gertrude says to Hamlet "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." He who was first and loudest to rally for me, was the one who is guilty of the crime.

Will the parents that raise these children, or better yet, abandon these children to raise themselves, face some sort of punishment in the afterlife?

It's a new day!

2009-03-09T06:31:00.002-04:00

I am actually looking forward to work today. After having to lock myself in the records office for two days last week following the lovely art exhibit in my honor, I think things are going to change. There are two new guards starting today: Sarge and Tank. Two HUGENORMOUS guys, muscles upon muscles and ready to take no crap from anyone!

Last week they were unable to assist in any discipline of unruly students as they were still in training. But they witnessed the boys disrespect and contempt for staff, and frankly, were irritated about the lack of control the guards had over the children. They both assured me that as soon as they start, the disrespect and animal behavior would soon disappear. YEA!!!

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

How would you respond?

2009-03-07T23:27:00.003-05:00

How do I answer these things? Last night as the kid is in the middle of our bedtime routine, which is now 1 1/2 hours past the normal time, he tries a new stalling tactic. I told him to stop playing around and to get into bed.

"But momma, it's 2:00."

"No, it's 9:30."

"Well, for you it's 9:30, but for me it's only 2."

And now tonight my kid tells me today that he had feelings, as he rubbed his belly. He said that he had feelings in his p#*^s. Oh great God! What next!

This is how I am dealing with life right now....WARNING....Graphic Content Posted!

2009-03-05T17:05:00.009-05:00

So, when I was 18 I was sexually assaulted. For various reasons I did just the opposite of what an assault victim is supposed do when one has been violated. I never went to the police. I never told even my closest friends. I didn't get myself screened (then) for any possible STDs. I tried to go about my usual routine.

For six years I tried to drink the pain away. The only thing that stopped the pain from overtaking my life was confronting the pain head on and bringing to light what I had kept in the dark for so long.

By exposing the long hidden wound, I was able to heal. I know now, what I didn't know then, that I am stronger and being pro-active by talking about what happened to me. I am taking control back, which was once ripped away from me. By acknowledging what happened to me, I am not ashamed; I am empowered.

But I have run into a problem for the past few weeks. As I work at an all-male juvenile lock up school facility I know that I run the risk of being disrespected, cat-called and jeered at, mentally undressed, and ignored by the students that I attempt to teach. However since I began teaching back in November, I have never feared for my safety...until now....since the students rioted three weeks ago...and the "direct floor staff" aka guards are now too scared to enforce the rules...and the director of the program has been on extended sick leave...and I got this...

This lovely letter was typed up three weeks ago and played via computerized voice for the entire class to hear. (Due to the fact that incarcerated students apparently have more rights and freedoms that you or I as tax-payers have, the students have thousand dollar Mac desktops at their disposal. Meanwhile I pound away on an old, yet luckily reliable Dell.) I know who the author of the letter is, but since another boy willingly took the fall, no consequences have taken place.

As the student's behavior has gotten increasingly worse, I have gotten increasingly strict. Every time I catch a student trying to hid a pencil in their pants, I demand it back, calling attention to him in front of all his peers. When a student swears (which really doesn't faze me at all; at times I have the mouth to shock a sailor), I write them up for misconduct in the classroom. As the floor staff have been failing to do their job, I have been forced to become an "enforcer" just so I can try to teach a simple math lesson.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I discovered a lovely artistic rendition on my desk following lunch break......(You may want to stop reading now.....The pic is graphic)

I was so horrified and aghast. The anger and disbelief that I had caused some of these students to hate me so much that they wished to violate me in such a brutal manner shocked me beyond words. I didn't know what to think....and then it hit me. I could either hide this note, show it to the administration, (who wouldn't do a damn thing about it as they handled the note writing so poorly) and act as if nothing had happened. But I knew that if I hid the fact that someone was trying to intimidate me, I would be repeating the pattern of silence that almost lead me to kill myself. So I turned the tables.

Feigning calmness I sat on the edge of my desk like a school girl, flipped the picture around to show the class, and noted that I had an admirer. I said that I was most disappointed that the artist seems to think that my hair looks so frizzy and I've been doing my best by putting gel in my hair, but maybe I needed to do more. Upon seeing the picture, several of the boys began to swear and kick chairs, verbalizing threats to find out who drew the picture. (These are the boys who have mothers, sisters, and aunt that have been raped). Many of the other boys laughed (a typical adolescent male response) but agreed that the picture was "f*&%^d up." Following the students dismissal from class I allowed myself to cry and then worked out my anger and frustration during my knee rehab.

Coming into work this morning, I was not surprised at all to find out that the executive director of the program didn't want to bother investigating all that hard to find the perps. I told him that I intending on filing a police report. So when one of the county's finest (please try to imagine the sarcasm in my voice) officers shows up to talk to me, I hand him the note and the drawing, expecting him to file a report and say "I'm sorry m'am. We'll look into it."

NO....Not at all.....Officer McDonut Ass says to me, "Why don't you get a new job?" I was floored! What sort of response is that!!!!! "Has anybody touched you? Because what I'm seeing here does constitute as credible threat." And then in so many words, Officer Worthless says that in the state of Fl there has to be some sort of physical action to take place before a complaint of threat can be lodged. As I am sitting there thinking how I can only press charges if I am in the midst of being raped, I tune out Fat Pants and leave.

So tonight I did my own research and here is what the state of FL has to say the constitutes "credible threat" and guess what....the letters are credible threat.

I think I will send a copy of the statue to help jog Office Barney Fife's memory. I'm glad I'm taking control!

In spite of all odds.....

2009-02-01T19:32:00.008-05:00

Watch this ad. It brings shivers to me every time I see it.

Yet, I don't understand how our President is not pro-life. If his mother gave up on him before his birth, he wouldn't be here to make history.

Hell, if America can elect the first African American, than maybe my child, or the KOE of Solomother or the Hatchling of Boho Mom has a chance of running this nation one day!

Whether you are liberal or conservative, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Green, or Anarchist, you have to admit after seeing this message that all life deserves a chance.

Days of Grace 31 of 365

2009-01-31T12:18:00.002-05:00

1. Jane Yolen and Mark Teague's "How Do Dinosaurs" series

2. Being off of government assistance because I have a job!

3. ABC Pizza's 'White' Pizza and a Greek Salad.

4. Paramore's Decode

5. Toe Socks

Days of Grace 30 of 365

2009-01-30T06:42:00.004-05:00

1. Cheese toast right from the oven

2. Having a kid sister who is wise enough to listen to my complaints without saying "I told you so."

3. Listening to The Toddler's imaginative ramblings

4. Burt's Bees Chapstick

5. Faultline by Janet Tashjian

Days of Grace 27 of 365

2009-01-27T21:33:00.003-05:00

1. Finding a cool calorie counter widget on Google

2. Reminiscing (via 'Net) over college photos with my girlfriends

3. Sharing a cup of coffee with a friend, watching our toddlers play together

4. The smell of my shampoo

5. Peanut butter and caramel drizzled over vanilla ice cream, put together by my little sis...YEA and YUM!

Days of Grace 25 of 365

2009-01-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

1. Comedian Brian Regan "It's a Walkie-Talkie!"

2. Hearing my little boy say I am his favorite girl

3. Serving dinner to an appreciative family

4. Watching my brother pretend to do martial arts

5. A nap in the sun

Days of Grace 24 of 365

2009-01-24T19:45:00.003-05:00

1. Writing on the first page of a new journal.

2. Laughing out loud while reading the Stephanie Plum stories by Janet Evanovich.

3. A (temporarily) organized computer desk.

4. Finding out that I am still on track with my budget for the month!

5. Admitting to my friends that I am really struggling with my depression and realizing they think I am still a strong, good person.

Days of Grace 23 of 365

2009-01-23T05:58:00.004-05:00

Hehehe....so my bitterness got the best of me for several days and I really wasn't in the mood for a happy list. (Hey, at least I can admit when my anger and depression get the best of me.) So, now I will attempt to get back on track with the D.O.G project....that is until something inevitably will arise and distract my overworked, overstimulated, overloaded tiny brain. (It's kinda like a tee shirt a friend of mine owns: "Some people tell me I have ADD...Oh! A chicken!")

1. 5 AM Friday morning, 'cuz freedom from work is just 10 hours away.

2. A big shot of cortisone to my bad knee. (Hurt like a blankity, blankity, really bad word I won't even type, but is starting to provide some relief.)

3. Living in a small town. (Yesterday while shopping, several shoppers and I struck up a conversation about lousy diver's licenses photos. Each of us proudly displayed our mug shots and laughed over the horribleness. Could you do that in a big city and not offend/get mugged right on the spot?)

4. Payday today!

5. My friend, Sharyn 'Barron', who keeps me laughing with her funny stories and got me hooked on Jen Lancaster. Hugs Sharyn!

A final goodbye to my old dream

2009-01-21T06:37:00.004-05:00

Dearest Ex,

What else can I say but I miss you. The sound of your laugh, the twinkle of your eyes, the gentle touch of your hand. Over the years we have known each other we had our good times and good laughs, good foods and good memories. I am sorry that we will never have a chance for a future.

I am sorry that we both failed to realize that we are incompatible for each other. I think we both wanted things to work out so badly, especially with our friends and our families championing our cause, that we missed the big picture. We were and are two very different people. We are both strong willed people and conformity to a new life is not something either of us take easily too.

I am sorry. I wished we could have realized before we feel head over heels in love with each other, with the idea of being in love, with the ideals of love and all it entails. We could have saved each other and our friends and families from a lot of hurt.

We both made mistakes. I am truly regretful of my actions, words, and shortcomings, that lead us to the point we are in now. I will continue to pray that God forgives me for the wrongs I have done to Him and to you.

I hope you can find happiness somewhere, some day. I know right now, I am still a fairly miserable person. I still am trying to forget all of the dreams, hopes, and love that we built. But I realize now, intellectually and emotionally, I have to say goodbye to you. I can't linger on in the limbo of torture. I write to vent my feelings, thoughts, and musings of the day, but I can no longer write about you. It is not right as an Anonymous person attempted to point out to me. (Ultimately they pissed me off in their approach, but I know their heart was in the right place. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize when I am an Asshat and when I need to be chided.)

I don't know if you'll ever see this or if your Anonymous friend will ever pass this along. But if you do, know that in my heart, I will always hold you. I pray that we meet again in the afterlife. I doubt that I will ever find the love and joy that I found in your presence in another person. I love you, even though you doubt my words. I love you in my own way.

Always and forever,
Me