Days of Grace 31 of 365

1. Jane Yolen and Mark Teague's "How Do Dinosaurs" series

2. Being off of government assistance because I have a job!

3. ABC Pizza's 'White' Pizza and a Greek Salad.

4. Paramore's Decode

5. Toe Socks

Days of Grace 30 of 365

1. Cheese toast right from the oven

2. Having a kid sister who is wise enough to listen to my complaints without saying "I told you so."

3. Listening to The Toddler's imaginative ramblings

4. Burt's Bees Chapstick

5. Faultline by Janet Tashjian

Days of Grace 27 of 365

1. Finding a cool calorie counter widget on Google

2. Reminiscing (via 'Net) over college photos with my girlfriends

3. Sharing a cup of coffee with a friend, watching our toddlers play together

4. The smell of my shampoo

5. Peanut butter and caramel drizzled over vanilla ice cream, put together by my little sis...YEA and YUM!

Days of Grace 25 of 365

1. Comedian Brian Regan "It's a Walkie-Talkie!"

2. Hearing my little boy say I am his favorite girl

3. Serving dinner to an appreciative family

4. Watching my brother pretend to do martial arts

5. A nap in the sun

Days of Grace 24 of 365

1. Writing on the first page of a new journal.

2. Laughing out loud while reading the Stephanie Plum stories by Janet Evanovich.

3. A (temporarily) organized computer desk.

4. Finding out that I am still on track with my budget for the month!

5. Admitting to my friends that I am really struggling with my depression and realizing they think I am still a strong, good person.

Days of Grace 23 of 365

Hehehe....so my bitterness got the best of me for several days and I really wasn't in the mood for a happy list. (Hey, at least I can admit when my anger and depression get the best of me.) So, now I will attempt to get back on track with the D.O.G project....that is until something inevitably will arise and distract my overworked, overstimulated, overloaded tiny brain. (It's kinda like a tee shirt a friend of mine owns: "Some people tell me I have ADD...Oh! A chicken!")

1. 5 AM Friday morning, 'cuz freedom from work is just 10 hours away.

2. A big shot of cortisone to my bad knee. (Hurt like a blankity, blankity, really bad word I won't even type, but is starting to provide some relief.)

3. Living in a small town. (Yesterday while shopping, several shoppers and I struck up a conversation about lousy diver's licenses photos. Each of us proudly displayed our mug shots and laughed over the horribleness. Could you do that in a big city and not offend/get mugged right on the spot?)

4. Payday today!

5. My friend, Sharyn 'Barron', who keeps me laughing with her funny stories and got me hooked on Jen Lancaster. Hugs Sharyn!

A final goodbye to my old dream

Dearest Ex,

What else can I say but I miss you. The sound of your laugh, the twinkle of your eyes, the gentle touch of your hand. Over the years we have known each other we had our good times and good laughs, good foods and good memories. I am sorry that we will never have a chance for a future.

I am sorry that we both failed to realize that we are incompatible for each other. I think we both wanted things to work out so badly, especially with our friends and our families championing our cause, that we missed the big picture. We were and are two very different people. We are both strong willed people and conformity to a new life is not something either of us take easily too.

I am sorry. I wished we could have realized before we feel head over heels in love with each other, with the idea of being in love, with the ideals of love and all it entails. We could have saved each other and our friends and families from a lot of hurt.

We both made mistakes. I am truly regretful of my actions, words, and shortcomings, that lead us to the point we are in now. I will continue to pray that God forgives me for the wrongs I have done to Him and to you.

I hope you can find happiness somewhere, some day. I know right now, I am still a fairly miserable person. I still am trying to forget all of the dreams, hopes, and love that we built. But I realize now, intellectually and emotionally, I have to say goodbye to you. I can't linger on in the limbo of torture. I write to vent my feelings, thoughts, and musings of the day, but I can no longer write about you. It is not right as an Anonymous person attempted to point out to me. (Ultimately they pissed me off in their approach, but I know their heart was in the right place. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize when I am an Asshat and when I need to be chided.)

I don't know if you'll ever see this or if your Anonymous friend will ever pass this along. But if you do, know that in my heart, I will always hold you. I pray that we meet again in the afterlife. I doubt that I will ever find the love and joy that I found in your presence in another person. I love you, even though you doubt my words. I love you in my own way.

Always and forever,
Me

Upon Reflection

So I talked with a good friend today. She allowed me the courtesy of crying, ranting, and leaning on her shoulder for a good long time. Like a true friend, she confronted me when she felt I was wrong, instead of choosing to address me from behind a wall of anonymity after an absence from my life for the past seven months. (I'm sorry, but if you haven't dared call me, to actually ask how I am doing, I find it rather humiliating that you think you can judge me, my actions, my motivations.) So when my good friend allowed me to talk to her and she spoke in a non-sanctimonious manner, I was much more inclined to listen.

She listened as I talked about the pain that I am still in, about the losses that I am still trying to get over, about the ideals that were dreamed about but never achieved. After talking with me for over an hour, I came to the realization that yes, indeed I was wrong in some aspects.

If I claim to love my ex, faults and all, and I want to see him in Heaven someday, than perhaps writing about some of his faults in a public forum could lead him to anger, the desire for revenge, etc. So I will admit, it was wrong for me to do so, and I apologize for speaking ill of a person who cannot defend himself. I have been the source of detraction before and it is unfair and wrong of me to perpetrate.

I know there were problems in my relationship that I am responsible for. I did things that I knew would lead to my heart break. I am sorry for the roll I played and wished I could have been stronger. I am sorry that I failed my ex, my child, and myself. I am sorry for the hurt that I have caused, when I was trying to rid myself of some of the anger and hurt that still resides in me.

So in conclusion, if I ever write anything that you, dear reader, think that I should be called upon the carpet for, be a real friend and pick up the phone or send me an email. The truest test of friendship is when you can tell someone they are being an asshole and they listen to you.

I have been told that the pain I feel is a reflection of the love that I have for a person

Pain exists for a reason. It is an indicator of the absence of well-being. Pain signals the body that there is a problem that needs to be addressed immediately, to take the body out of harms way. When pain lingers it serves as a reminder of the past mistake that lead to the present state, and hopefully, serves as a warning not to place oneself in the particular predicament that lead to that state. I didn't pay attention until things were too late to save my heart.

{Temporary Edit. You can bet this will be addressed.}

People can't fathom the depths of one's personal pain and suffering, so they'd rather pretend that you're being melodramatic. The pain of loosing someone you love doesn't disappear once the sun goes down. Pain moves in waves like the currents of the oceans. Sometimes pain laps at the shoreline and barely registers in the mind. Other days pain pounds the seawalls, looking to drag under anything in it's path.

So for now, my pain comes and goes. Maybe one day the ocean of pain will lead me to a quite river downstream.

A Good Morning Laugh

Watch the video twice. The first time you'll miss why he freaks out, because his reaction is so funny!

Days of Grace 15 of 365

1. Finding the right words to say to comfort a friend

2. Watching the sun set over the ocean

3. Freshly painted toenails

4. Getting compliments on my favorite skirt, which cost three bucks at a second-hand store

5. Exchanging hilarious, inappropriate jokes with my girlfriends

The desire inside

I want to write tonight. I have tried to write all day, but work kept getting in the way. And I coached a soccer game tonight. (Yea, we won 2 games in a row! Imagine that!) Ate dinner at 9:30 and now really want to write. The desire is there. But my brain is dead. And my knee really, really hurts. So maybe I should call it a night? But who am I kidding? We all know that I will spend the next twenty minutes looking at CarMax since I will no longer be capable of driving a stick-shift car and I need to start day-dreaming about a different car to long after.

Days of Grace 13 of 365

So, I haven't touched on this subject for in a few days. I was (pick your favorite excuse: tired, cranky, hormonal, melancholy, etc) over the weekend. Monday rolled around, with me not wanting to drag my arse out of bed, but I made it through the day. So Tuesday, here I am, ready to embrace the day!

1. Health insurance (Did I mention this in a previous post? If I did than double thanks to God....especially since I may have shattered the medial condyle (read:bone attached to my femur) and might need surgery/rehab or a combo of things)

2. Peanut butter on toast

3. Flogging Molly "Float"

4. Teaching my students how to conquer simple math

5. Soft baby cheeks

Assault with a deadly weapon-old memories

So yesterday was a rotten day. It started with a series of sad dreams, picked up speed when a recent knee injury became worse, climaxed with a sibling making an utterly snarky (read ASSHOLE) comment, and ended with me sobbing in my overstuffed, rehabilitated, comfy armchair in the solitary of my room. Granted I did feel a bit better after blowing off some steam, but now I am angry at myself. And ashamed.

Things which have been seven months removed from my world smacked me in the face with an intensity that caught me by surprise. I thought I was over the hurt and the pain of being left. I didn't realize that still, even after all the hurt and the drama my relationship held, I miss my ex. I miss the good times we had. I miss the dreams we had built. I miss his hugs.

Now I am mad. I want to be strong. I want to be a good mother to my son and not get weepy over things that are past and I have no control over. I don't want to let my emotions ninja kick me in the heart and get the better of me. I should do better than I did yesterday.

Today is a new day, filled with hope and promise of starting over....again. I'll put on my smile, grit my teeth, and do my best. Don't let me fail.

Days of Grace 9 of 365

1. Watching my cats Booth and Bones play in the tall weeds

2. Low blood pressure

3. Sitting in silence, alone in an empty church

4. A call from a long-lost friend

5. Laughing so hard that you cry and almost pee yourself

Days of Grace 8 of 365

1. That first sip of coffee in the morning

2. A car that continues to function

3. A rainy day curled up with a mug a tea and a good book

4. Reading bedtime stories to the Muppet

5. Finding a letter in the mail amid the bills

Days of Grace 7 of 365

I stumbled across this idea from the blog of FannFare. I decided that I too will vocalize my gratefulness (is that even a word) for all the small things in life each day....and maybe I'll post on a more regular basis. Wow! (Wouldn't that be a shock!)

1. A warm, snuggle-y little boy to crawl in my bed early Saturday morning

2. My mom's fresh baked bread

3. The laughter of children at play

4. "Bitter Is the New Black" (Jen Lancaster) Prefect for anyone who is snarky, sarcastic, and been out of work! Jen rocks!

5. The fact that I have a job

If you are trying to hit on me, your opening line should not be 'Your child looks like a serial killer in training.'

Yes, someone actually said this to me this past Sat night.

I was at a friends b-day party and was introduced to said person. He started his Barry White spiel and I tried to dissuade his approach by stating that I had a kid. Turns out he had a kid too. We exchanged pics of our children and that was his response to me after I lied and said his kid was cute!

If this dumbass was hoping that I would suck face w/ him later in the evening, which I HAD NO INTENTION OF DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE,.....that little comment just put him in the NEGATIVE NIL, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN PLACE!