Living Life Outloud

When I was in a relationship w/ BF #2, he said to me, "If you weren't a Catholic, you'd make a good pagan because you are so earthy."

Now, I don't know what he really meant, and I'm sure I brushed it off at the time, but for some reason, my mind has been chewing on that statement for the past few days.

I am a Catholic, I make no bones about that. Not always the best example of the devout-straight-and-narrow-life, but a Catholic who knows when she's in the sin side of life, she would stay away from the Communion Rail until she got to Confession. Being a Catholic is not easy; when you know the difference between right and wrong and you chose the wrong, the guilt will hound you until you make things right. (See A Pocketful of Rye, by A.J. Cronin for one of the most masterful re-telling of The Hound of Heaven.

So what is it that made ex-BF to christen me "pagan." Is it because I find such awesome beauty in nature? Is it because a rainbow or a sunset can be so beautiful that it has caused me to cry? Was it because I could be sensual and alluring all the while I was fully clothed in college 'dress/modesty code' attire? Is it because the smell of simmering foods can totally intoxicate me? Is it because I can be as crude as a sailor in my language, but polished enough to address an author, a corporate executive, a millionaire, and two presidential candidates?

What the hell?????

As a Catholic that doesn't mean that life is supposed to dull, ordinary, or drab! For the love of, well, GOD, we are flesh and bone, not just spirit.

So what that I don't conform to the modern world, that I would rather stomp around in the rain in colorful, nonsensical boots; that I would rather make a ginormous mess cooking with my son for a set of friends than to have a pristine kitchen that never has heard the sound of child's laughter; that I would rather have my child serve the poorest of the poor by standing along side, not just pitching money in the collection basket at church; that I would rather call a spade a spade and not have to pretend to like something I do not.

I am me.

I am Catholic. I am a mother. I am emotive. I am passionate. I am headstrong, determine, strengthened, an absolute conundrum and contradiction, yet simple enough to understand. I will play dress up and dine with the best. I will roll up my jeans and gnaw on a plate of smoked ribs. I will laugh and cry, sometimes all at once.

I will be me. For one time I won't cave when I am demanded to stifle myself.

And I reminding myself of this every day, because I can get friggin' lonely and tired sometimes.

Sarcasm bites me in the butt

Here's the conversation I had with the Kid at bedtime last night.

"Son, don't pick your nose."

"Momma, I not picking my nose, I digging for gold."

Rain, rain come today.....

I really hope it rains all day. I don't want people coming into the office today. After three straight days at the front window without any help from my mentor and receiving incorrect information from three different supervisors I have really lost my patience. I am floundering and really need a life preserver right now. God, please send some rain.

Moving Forward

I spoke with my son's biological father last night as I traveled to class. I think many good things came of that. I know he has a great many problems, and as a Catholic still wrestles with guilt and feelings of failure. Maybe he will be able to find some peace in his life.

For all the hurt that I went through when he left me and the unborn Kid, I have grown that much stronger. I don't wish any malice on him, as I once did. I wish for peace and growth in his life.

I have no hope or desire to ever be in a relationship with him. But I do acknowledge that he is my Kid's biological father and that some day he may want to have a relationship. If that day comes, though it will scare me, if it is part of God's plan for his life, than I want to be generous of heart and open to that, not bitter and angry, still carrying around the hurts from my past.

I'm almost getting there with my ex-fiancee. I still have my moments of extreme sadness for the loss of our dreams, the love that I have/had for him, the anger at the accusations, and the hurt of abandonment my Kid and I felt.

I want to keep moving forward. I want him to find peace in his life. I can't wish any malice on him, for that would deny my ability to grow in my relationship with God. In fact, it would be a direct barricade to my salvation.

I think the think that still hurts me the most is realizing that someone who wanted to spend his life with me, who said he thought of me night and day, and couldn't wait for us to be together could so quickly walk away and not look back.
He said once when we first began our relationship that he knew he had a good thing, that if he walked away from it he would kick himself for the rest of his life, and that I would be hard to forget.

But in the stormy days after he left, I felt totally forgotten. The idea of being forgotten is such a dark abyss. Not that my feelings of abandonment and loss could ever reach the depth and magnitute of Christ on the cross, even He cried out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken Me?"

I think, no, I know that there was a large part of me that wanted him to call and apologize and ask for a reconciliation. And I wanted to be the one to say no this time. But I realize that had he called me in the days and months after we parted, I would have gone back to our stormy relationship. A relationship where neither of us grew and we only hurt each other.

I'm sorry that I hurt him and I'm sorry that I was not a better person, a better Catholic that helped his spiritual life, rather than hindered it.

I still think about him daily and whisper a prayer towards the Heavens. Maybe he's deliberately forgotten about me and pushed any thoughts of me and the Kid from his mind. Maybe ignoring the past is the only way he can move forward. I don't know, though I wish I did know if he still thought of me and missed me.

But that's my pride. And that's something that I have to continue to work on.

Caterpillars and Butterflies

Gah! I am really nervous today. Classes start tonight. I hope I have it in me to pull this off. If I can stay on top of the workload I should be fine. That means no jagging around in the evenings. The Kid needs to get to bed ON TIME. He has been getting to bed WAY to late. I'm going to have to make it a rule that if dinner isn't ready by 6, then I'll have to fix something up for him and get him moving.

Still mulling over some stuff that my talky-talky Doc said to me the other day. Seems that according to him, I've made great progress. He told me which he has never said to a client before that he would stake his professional career on this, but that I was ready to be in a relationship, should I chose. Weird. And I was afraid that I was still lagging behind. I guess that it's better I have someone to trust to psychoanalyze me instead of my own warped thought process.

Momma, are you happy?

The Kid, the light of my life, is such a clever little smart ass. And I have nobody to blame but myself. :)

The other day, in the midst of being corrected for his ill behavior, he cocked his head to the side, pouted out his lower lip and said, "Momma, are you happy?"

It was all I could do from bust out laughing at his comical face.

Retraining my line of thinking

I'm struggling right now with an assignment that my talky-talky Doctor has given me. I have to, get this, stop saying negative things about myself and allow myself to accept compliment on my appearance.

I have a very difficult time accepting compliments, especially about my appearance. It's not from a sense of vanity or an inflated ego. My problems lie back with my experiences as a teen. It's kinda a horrible circle of thinking that I am having trouble breaking free of. It goes like this:
If person X hadn't thought I was attractive, then he wouldn't have bothered with me and never assaulted me, thereby leading me to several years of heavy drinking, suicidal thinking, self-mutilation, and a string of dysfunctional relationships. But if person X had left me alone and I HADN'T gone through all that, then I never would have hooked up with the biological father of the Kid and therefore wouldn't have him in my life. And the Kid is the light of my life and the greatest gift from God.

So what am I supposed to do...thank the ass-wad for helping me hate myself, hurt myself?

I cringe when people compliment my looks because I instinctively fear that the only thing they see in me is my outer appearance and not my inner life. Most times I deliberately dress unattractively.

My Doctor is encouraging me to pray that I can learn to see myself as the beautiful creature that God made me, and allow myself to gracefully accept the compliments given to me. I have to learn not to shy away from my looks, but to embrace what God has given to me.

This isn't easy.